My sweet boy turns five in less than 9 hours. His Aunt Na and Uncle Jason threw him a fabulous party over Christmas break, so tomorrow is going to be really low key. We are going to see Nanny and Papaw and have cake, specially made by Mimi, iced by mommy. Here's what you need to know: I rock at bows; I rock at tutus. Neither bows nor tutus require patience or large amounts of attention to detail. This is a good thing, because I have the attention span of a two year old. It's not pretty, folks.
Anyhow, I decided it would be fun to pull out all mom's cake decorating tools to decorate this sad little cake. All the kids went to bed and I went to town. I mixed up the colors, spread out the icing and then saw her handy-dandy icing tips. Oh, yeah. I went there. I busted them out like I knew EXACTLY what I was doing. Using those little tip-thingies takes somethign I don't have- patience. I rocked it anyway, making wavy lines, rather than wavy dot things. So here's what I learned tonight:
1. I'm not good at making cakes. Not even a little bit.
2. God totally knew what he was doing when He gave me talents that didn't require patience or attention to detail
3. Cakes from Wal-Mart? SO worth it. So, SOOOOO worth it.
4. It's a good thing my son knows his mommy loves him. If he based my love on the cake, I'm fairly certain he'd run away from home.
Every one of his birthdays send me into an emotional tissy. He's absolutely, positively my entire world. I love him more than anything and I just adore the little boy he's grown to be. Five is a big deal. He's no longer a toddler, though I'm sure he reached post-toddler way before now. He's really even no longer a preschooler. I'm certain there will be a meltdown his first day of Kindergarten. No two ways about it. He's so big, so independent. I feel like he needs his momma less and less everyday. I want to grab him and say "What about me? What about how I need YOU?? Please don't grow up, little boy!" I can't do that, though, can I? I mean, even if I did, it would probably just freak him out and make him bitter. It won't make time freeze.
If I don't hear it once, I hear it a thousand times that people don't know how we mantain sanity with our kids aged the way they are and sleeping the way they do. Let's just clear something up right fast- there is NOTHING sane about me. I walk around in a state of delirium 99.9% of the time, the other .01%, I sleep. I'm certifiable, folks. But I would not trade one single, solitary moment. I've learned that if I don't take advantage of every bad dream Just has and wants to crawl in bed with me, every midnight rocking Jaleigh wants, every time Jadie is sick of being on the floor and just wants to be held (no matter how much I have to do), it will all be gone. I'll never, ever have these moments again. So I may be delirious, exhausted and certifiable, but I am loved. My children are loved. My house isn't even remotely clean, but there will be time for that when they start school and are gone all day. When all I can do is miss them and wish they were still home with me.
If I don't hear it once, I hear it a thousand times that people don't know how we mantain sanity with our kids aged the way they are and sleeping the way they do. Let's just clear something up right fast- there is NOTHING sane about me. I walk around in a state of delirium 99.9% of the time, the other .01%, I sleep. I'm certifiable, folks. But I would not trade one single, solitary moment. I've learned that if I don't take advantage of every bad dream Just has and wants to crawl in bed with me, every midnight rocking Jaleigh wants, every time Jadie is sick of being on the floor and just wants to be held (no matter how much I have to do), it will all be gone. I'll never, ever have these moments again. So I may be delirious, exhausted and certifiable, but I am loved. My children are loved. My house isn't even remotely clean, but there will be time for that when they start school and are gone all day. When all I can do is miss them and wish they were still home with me.
Anyway, five years ago right now, I was in labor. A long, long, long, long labor. I spent 32 hours at the hospital, in labor. Apparently when I got my epidural (asked for it at a 2, got it at a four), it just stopped my contractions. Finally, at 6:45 am on January 8, they broke my water. Just over an hour later, I was holding the most beautiful, perfect, precious, breathtaking little boy you ever saw. He came complete with a head full of hair, two dimples and a swell cleft in his chin. He was absolutely, positively the most beautiful baby boy ever. I was so scared, but I knew- this little boy saved my life.
Many of you know I'm divorced and remarried. My first husband was physically and emotionally abusive. When Jesse and I got married, I lost it. I don't remember much from that time, but I know they diagnosed me with PTSD and severe anxiety. I know I spent most of my days so drugged up, I couldn't function. Beyond that, don't ask me, because I have no details. I know that the first two months of our marriage, my husband NEVER left my side and he loved me with an unconditional love I'd never, ever experienced from a man before. It was (is) real love, a Christ-like love. Anyway, I do know that things were bad. I remember praying every single night that if God would give me a child, I would love him, hold him, care for him and never, ever look back. By the grace of God, I found out I was pregnant. I took a random pregnancy test one day and it was positive. So I took seven more. All positive. So I went in for blood work. Positive. Oh, thank you Jesus! Can I celebrate yet? I did. I celebrated and still just see him as the biggest blessing. Ever. Hands down. He and his daddy were my reason for living for the longest time, until his sisters came along. It's amazing; you wonder how in the world you can possibly split your love between children. The heart has a way of growing and accomodating more love so splitting just isn't necessary. So I got pregnant with Justin two months after we got married and we celebrated our first anniversary with a beauitful one month old baby boy. He stayed with Mimi while we went away for the day. The day. Not the night. NO way, regardless how little sleep was to be had, I'd leave him at night.
Ah, memories. I still just can't wrap my mind around the fact he's five. Where did these five years go? Is all the time going to go that quickly? God, I hope not. I just want time to stand still. Forever. I want to hold and love my babies for the rest of my life and never, ever let them go. Do you think they'll still let me rock them when they're 30?
Many of you know I'm divorced and remarried. My first husband was physically and emotionally abusive. When Jesse and I got married, I lost it. I don't remember much from that time, but I know they diagnosed me with PTSD and severe anxiety. I know I spent most of my days so drugged up, I couldn't function. Beyond that, don't ask me, because I have no details. I know that the first two months of our marriage, my husband NEVER left my side and he loved me with an unconditional love I'd never, ever experienced from a man before. It was (is) real love, a Christ-like love. Anyway, I do know that things were bad. I remember praying every single night that if God would give me a child, I would love him, hold him, care for him and never, ever look back. By the grace of God, I found out I was pregnant. I took a random pregnancy test one day and it was positive. So I took seven more. All positive. So I went in for blood work. Positive. Oh, thank you Jesus! Can I celebrate yet? I did. I celebrated and still just see him as the biggest blessing. Ever. Hands down. He and his daddy were my reason for living for the longest time, until his sisters came along. It's amazing; you wonder how in the world you can possibly split your love between children. The heart has a way of growing and accomodating more love so splitting just isn't necessary. So I got pregnant with Justin two months after we got married and we celebrated our first anniversary with a beauitful one month old baby boy. He stayed with Mimi while we went away for the day. The day. Not the night. NO way, regardless how little sleep was to be had, I'd leave him at night.
Ah, memories. I still just can't wrap my mind around the fact he's five. Where did these five years go? Is all the time going to go that quickly? God, I hope not. I just want time to stand still. Forever. I want to hold and love my babies for the rest of my life and never, ever let them go. Do you think they'll still let me rock them when they're 30?
Oh, yeah. The cake. Here it is.
Happy birthday, sweet Jutter Butter. Mommy loves you all the way to the moon and back! <3
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