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August 18, 2008 - Monday

Lessons

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:288:02 pm.

I was in Justin's room, sitting in the rocking chair, watching him wailing and kicking on the floor. It has been a long week. I'm exhausted, he's exhausted and his daddy is exhausted. The medication that our 19 month old little boy is on makes him have awful temper tantrums randomly throughout the day for no apparent reason. That is what we were in the middle of, right then and there…at 8:02 pm.

He was wailing into the floor, gasping, kicking, hitting himself, pulling his hair- likely thinking "Woe is me." I sat there patiently and told him over and over again, "Mommy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you to sleep? Come see me. I'll hold you and everything will be alright." I wouldn't touch him, though because I knew that would only send him into further hysterics. Outrage, even. It isn't that I can't handle the physical pain that he may potentially inflict on me. That isn't it at all. He could scratch me, bite me, kick me…it wouldn't even hold a candle to the hurt in my heart for him right at that very moment. My heart hurt for him because he was in a state of complete and utter despair. He wanted nothing but to lay there and sob about how miserable his little life is. I'll give this to him, too. His little life is pretty rough right now. My heart breaks for him several times a day, especially over the last week or so.
I told him again, barely above a whisper, "Mommy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you? Come, let me hold you."

After five minutes of utter hysteria, he looked up at me, sobbing. 8:07. He sat up and grabbed his blanket off his bed and starts walking toward me. He laid his head in my lap and just sobbed. Then he started hitting me. He was close enough at that point that I was able to pick him up and hold him. As soon as I pick him up, he arched his little back and screamed. He hit me several more times and I just held him tight. Not tight enough to hurt him, I could never hurt him. I held him tight enough that he knew that I'm not ever going to let him go. I whispered in his ear, "Mommy and daddy love you, little boy. We aren't going anywhere. We love you so much. "I told him over and over of our love for him and how special he is to us. He screamed still, trying to push me away. My heart broke into pieces. I just love this little boy with everything inside of me. If he hurts even a little bit, I feel like I've been stabbed in the side. The pain and the confusion that he has endured this last week has been more than even I can bear. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I sang to him softly. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound…that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see….T'was grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved, how precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed….Thro many dangers, toils and snares I have already come. His grace has lead me safe so far and His grace will lead me home…When we've been there……ten thousand years…..Silence. My little guy had given in. His precious little snores and his breathing in and out were all that was left to be heard.

There is nothing more beautiful than silence at a moment like this. 8:18.God wasn't finished with me, though. There was a lesson to be learned here. At that very moment, I was hurting. I was hurting because my little boy was hurting and because my hsuband was hurting. I was hurting and I was angry. Right in the middle of my misery and my agony, God spoke to me. I heard him say, "Daddy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you to sleep? Come see me. I'll hold you and everything will be alright."

No God. Everything is NOT alright. My little boy…he had seizures. Two of them in one day. Do you hear that, God? TWO in ONE DAY! And no one knows why! They want to diagnose my little boy with Epilepsy! Do you know what that means, God? Do you!?! He hurts….I hurt…Jesse hurts. We hurt. We love that little boy and we were so afraid we'd never hold him again. Do you hear me, God? Are you listening? Do you know what I've been through? Are you punishing us, God? Are you?

"Daddy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you? Come, let me hold you."
Do you not HEAR me, God??? They drew blood and drew tears…they kept him up all night, they gave him PHENOBARBATOL…a VERY dangerous drug, God! Then they gave him MORE drugs! Do you know how LITTLE sleep I've had? You don't get it, do you? My life is awful right now! Where are you, God??? Why won't you come help my family? WOE IS ME! Why have you left us, Lord? Why? My baby doesn't even want to touch me…he doesn't want his momma to hold him! He can't even stand up on his own because he is so drugged up! Don't you get it, God? If you can't help me, I don't need you!"Come, let me hold you. Let me rock you, let me bear this burden. This is not yours to suffer alone. Not yours, not Jesse's, but mine. You are not equipped to carry such a heavy load, child. Give it to me. Give it all to me. Let me comfort you, let me hold you."The thing about it is this: I have not outwardly blamed God. Inwardly, though, I have managed to get so caught up on how bad things are that I've failed to see God's work shining in our lives. Our son, the little boy that they said would be so off kilter for a minimum of two weeks while the drugs get in his system…he went to the beach this morning and flew his kite all by himself. He played and laughed and had a great time with us today. He threw a few violent fits, sure but he's already overcome the worst of it. We have more tests, but we have the Ultimate Physician in control of these tests. We have a thousand prayer warriors on our side and there is NOTHING the power of prayer can't conquer.

So where is God now? He's here, He never left us but the thing about it is, just like with Justin, we have to be willing to let him hold us, if even for just a little while. We don't go through these struggles alone. God never leaves us, He never forsakes us and what He calls us to do, He also equips us to do.

8:28 pm I didn't go to sleep right then, but I laid my little guy down and my Father, God carried me out of there with a new sense of peace. I was still and I knew that He was and is God and that He is in control...