So mom and dad got Jesse and me The Love Dare for Christmas last year. It sat on our bookshelf for over six months and I finally picked it up the other day. It is basically 40 days and 40 different things to do to help improve your marriage. So I thought I'd give it a go.
Day one was that you had to essentially NOT say anything negative to your spouse. Accomodate them in everything and not fight.
Oh, my GOSH! I didn't think I'd survive day one. Day one turned into day three...and day four. Finally, on day four...I managed to make it only arguing ONCE. Woe is me, I think I'm a terrible wife.
Stay tuned. For day two/four, I am required to do something unexpected and kind for him.
This should be interesting...and it COULD be fun. ;)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Myspace transfer- I love you more.
April 13, 2009 - Monday
I remember...
Current mood: amorous
Category: Life
I remember when, shortly after bringing you home from the hospital, I would wake you just so I could hear your little cry or I would startle you just to be sure you were breathing. Looking back, I totally blame it on the out of whack hormones because no one in their right mind would wake a sleeping newborn. Seriously. My mom told me that on several ocassions. I woke you, though, because I wanted to see your smile. I wanted the world to see your smile. I wanted to see your beady little brown eyes, looking up at me with love. I loved you. I loved you so much that my heart probably should have exploded.I had no idea I could possibly love you more. Yes, I love you more. Your favorite thing to tell me is "I love you more, mommy!" in your growly little Linda Blair voice (we're still not sure where you picked that one up....). But little boy, you couldn't possibly love me more.
I love you more than life. I love you more than Dr. Pepper (face it dude, that's huge). I love you SO MUCH and my love for you is SO BIG and SO SINCERE that you couldn't possibly love me more. So I'll let you think that you love me more but you really have no idea, munchkin.I can't believe how much you've grown. Right before my very eyes. My little 7 lb. 15 oz. boy weighs 29 lbs. now! That's like, four times what you weighed when you were born, dude. Seriously. When you came home, size 1 shoes fell off your fat little paddies. Now? We're busting the seams of size 7's. Dude. You're huge. I brought you home in a 0-3 month outfit that was falling off of you (everywhere but the fat head...the cap was too tight) and now you're in 3T's. It breaks my heart, little boy. It breaks my heart and at the same time, I'm just overcome with joy.
You're two. You're huge, man. You speak in full sentences (you have for a while) and your vocabulary has just...exploded. You're so precious running from room to room, jumping, climbing, yelling, playing. You wear me out just watching you. That isn't good enough, though, is it? You're constantly telling me to "Come ON mommy!" dragging me from room to room. I cherish the time we spend together, little one. Mommy is so sorry that she has to work and spend so much time away from you. If I could change anything, that would be it. I miss our time together more than you can even begin to imagine. I miss you, little boy.You're so smart. You're so precious.
People tell me you should be a model. Just so you know, I said no. I want you to be a little boy. I want you to laugh and play and grow and get dirty and smelly (you definitely already posess that funky boy smell) and even get scrapes and bruises without having to worry about anything. You know you're cute. That's what is so bad. You're fully aware of it and, at two years old, you play it like no one's business. A handshake here, blown kisses there...a "hey, baby" now and then....you're so good at being adorkable. I'm absolutely exhausted, little boy. It is nearly 11:00 and I'm famished.
I just...now got you asleep. Your cute little pudgy boy snores fill your room and you're all snuggled up with blanky, woof-woof, blackie, junior, daisy, max and daisy jr. (thank God you're in a twin size bed with your brood) and while it may be true that a newborn is prettiest when fully awake, nothing could be more beautiful than a two year old...fast asleep.
Sleep sweet, my angel. Mommy loves you more.
I remember...
Current mood: amorous
Category: Life
I remember when, shortly after bringing you home from the hospital, I would wake you just so I could hear your little cry or I would startle you just to be sure you were breathing. Looking back, I totally blame it on the out of whack hormones because no one in their right mind would wake a sleeping newborn. Seriously. My mom told me that on several ocassions. I woke you, though, because I wanted to see your smile. I wanted the world to see your smile. I wanted to see your beady little brown eyes, looking up at me with love. I loved you. I loved you so much that my heart probably should have exploded.I had no idea I could possibly love you more. Yes, I love you more. Your favorite thing to tell me is "I love you more, mommy!" in your growly little Linda Blair voice (we're still not sure where you picked that one up....). But little boy, you couldn't possibly love me more.
I love you more than life. I love you more than Dr. Pepper (face it dude, that's huge). I love you SO MUCH and my love for you is SO BIG and SO SINCERE that you couldn't possibly love me more. So I'll let you think that you love me more but you really have no idea, munchkin.I can't believe how much you've grown. Right before my very eyes. My little 7 lb. 15 oz. boy weighs 29 lbs. now! That's like, four times what you weighed when you were born, dude. Seriously. When you came home, size 1 shoes fell off your fat little paddies. Now? We're busting the seams of size 7's. Dude. You're huge. I brought you home in a 0-3 month outfit that was falling off of you (everywhere but the fat head...the cap was too tight) and now you're in 3T's. It breaks my heart, little boy. It breaks my heart and at the same time, I'm just overcome with joy.
You're two. You're huge, man. You speak in full sentences (you have for a while) and your vocabulary has just...exploded. You're so precious running from room to room, jumping, climbing, yelling, playing. You wear me out just watching you. That isn't good enough, though, is it? You're constantly telling me to "Come ON mommy!" dragging me from room to room. I cherish the time we spend together, little one. Mommy is so sorry that she has to work and spend so much time away from you. If I could change anything, that would be it. I miss our time together more than you can even begin to imagine. I miss you, little boy.You're so smart. You're so precious.
People tell me you should be a model. Just so you know, I said no. I want you to be a little boy. I want you to laugh and play and grow and get dirty and smelly (you definitely already posess that funky boy smell) and even get scrapes and bruises without having to worry about anything. You know you're cute. That's what is so bad. You're fully aware of it and, at two years old, you play it like no one's business. A handshake here, blown kisses there...a "hey, baby" now and then....you're so good at being adorkable. I'm absolutely exhausted, little boy. It is nearly 11:00 and I'm famished.
I just...now got you asleep. Your cute little pudgy boy snores fill your room and you're all snuggled up with blanky, woof-woof, blackie, junior, daisy, max and daisy jr. (thank God you're in a twin size bed with your brood) and while it may be true that a newborn is prettiest when fully awake, nothing could be more beautiful than a two year old...fast asleep.
Sleep sweet, my angel. Mommy loves you more.
Myspace Transfer- this is brutal.
March 31, 2009 - Tuesday
So what?
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
So what makes a marriage fall apart?
What makes two people, who at one point, loved one another SO much, not even be able to be carry on a conversation without hostility?
Forget being in the same room together.
What makes a marriage go from good to worse?
Is it an overnight thing...or is it a gradual process?
How does one go about reversing the negative effects that have ocurred as a result of the hostility and discontentment?
Is it possible to reverse the said effects or is it just better to walk away and cut your losses? When does it become unhealthy to be together anymore?
Is it a natural progression when you aren't getting the love you've gotten used to having, to pursue it elsewhere?
Since when did crossing that line from dreaming about it to inactive pursuit and into actively pursuing it become grey, rather than black and white?
Isn't grey an excruciatingly compromising color when speaking of a marriage?
Is it just an imaginary color that should absolutely NOT exist in a marriage?
Am I wrong in thinking that it shouldn't?
So what does one do when it does?
How does one justify the color grey and all that it entails?
Forget being faithful to one another.
What can one do, at this point, to fix it?
Can one fix it?
When is a band-aid just not good enough?
How many band-aids must one exhaust before stitches are given?
Or superglue? Or a cast?
When is it salvageable?
Is it ever salvageable when it gets to the point of no return?
What IS the point of no return?
Can one take a bus to the point of no return? A train?
Forget going backward. All you can do at this point is move forward.
Move forward where?
With or without one another?
Then what?
Love someone else?
What if you're not capable of loving anyone else?
But at the same time...incapable of loving the one you're with?
Forget love. Apparently you're not cut out for it.
So what?
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
So what makes a marriage fall apart?
What makes two people, who at one point, loved one another SO much, not even be able to be carry on a conversation without hostility?
Forget being in the same room together.
What makes a marriage go from good to worse?
Is it an overnight thing...or is it a gradual process?
How does one go about reversing the negative effects that have ocurred as a result of the hostility and discontentment?
Is it possible to reverse the said effects or is it just better to walk away and cut your losses? When does it become unhealthy to be together anymore?
Is it a natural progression when you aren't getting the love you've gotten used to having, to pursue it elsewhere?
Since when did crossing that line from dreaming about it to inactive pursuit and into actively pursuing it become grey, rather than black and white?
Isn't grey an excruciatingly compromising color when speaking of a marriage?
Is it just an imaginary color that should absolutely NOT exist in a marriage?
Am I wrong in thinking that it shouldn't?
So what does one do when it does?
How does one justify the color grey and all that it entails?
Forget being faithful to one another.
What can one do, at this point, to fix it?
Can one fix it?
When is a band-aid just not good enough?
How many band-aids must one exhaust before stitches are given?
Or superglue? Or a cast?
When is it salvageable?
Is it ever salvageable when it gets to the point of no return?
What IS the point of no return?
Can one take a bus to the point of no return? A train?
Forget going backward. All you can do at this point is move forward.
Move forward where?
With or without one another?
Then what?
Love someone else?
What if you're not capable of loving anyone else?
But at the same time...incapable of loving the one you're with?
Forget love. Apparently you're not cut out for it.
Myspace Transfer
August 18, 2008 - Monday
Lessons
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:288:02 pm.
I was in Justin's room, sitting in the rocking chair, watching him wailing and kicking on the floor. It has been a long week. I'm exhausted, he's exhausted and his daddy is exhausted. The medication that our 19 month old little boy is on makes him have awful temper tantrums randomly throughout the day for no apparent reason. That is what we were in the middle of, right then and there…at 8:02 pm.
He was wailing into the floor, gasping, kicking, hitting himself, pulling his hair- likely thinking "Woe is me." I sat there patiently and told him over and over again, "Mommy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you to sleep? Come see me. I'll hold you and everything will be alright." I wouldn't touch him, though because I knew that would only send him into further hysterics. Outrage, even. It isn't that I can't handle the physical pain that he may potentially inflict on me. That isn't it at all. He could scratch me, bite me, kick me…it wouldn't even hold a candle to the hurt in my heart for him right at that very moment. My heart hurt for him because he was in a state of complete and utter despair. He wanted nothing but to lay there and sob about how miserable his little life is. I'll give this to him, too. His little life is pretty rough right now. My heart breaks for him several times a day, especially over the last week or so.
I told him again, barely above a whisper, "Mommy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you? Come, let me hold you."
After five minutes of utter hysteria, he looked up at me, sobbing. 8:07. He sat up and grabbed his blanket off his bed and starts walking toward me. He laid his head in my lap and just sobbed. Then he started hitting me. He was close enough at that point that I was able to pick him up and hold him. As soon as I pick him up, he arched his little back and screamed. He hit me several more times and I just held him tight. Not tight enough to hurt him, I could never hurt him. I held him tight enough that he knew that I'm not ever going to let him go. I whispered in his ear, "Mommy and daddy love you, little boy. We aren't going anywhere. We love you so much. "I told him over and over of our love for him and how special he is to us. He screamed still, trying to push me away. My heart broke into pieces. I just love this little boy with everything inside of me. If he hurts even a little bit, I feel like I've been stabbed in the side. The pain and the confusion that he has endured this last week has been more than even I can bear. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I sang to him softly. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound…that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see….T'was grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved, how precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed….Thro many dangers, toils and snares I have already come. His grace has lead me safe so far and His grace will lead me home…When we've been there……ten thousand years…..Silence. My little guy had given in. His precious little snores and his breathing in and out were all that was left to be heard.
There is nothing more beautiful than silence at a moment like this. 8:18.God wasn't finished with me, though. There was a lesson to be learned here. At that very moment, I was hurting. I was hurting because my little boy was hurting and because my hsuband was hurting. I was hurting and I was angry. Right in the middle of my misery and my agony, God spoke to me. I heard him say, "Daddy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you to sleep? Come see me. I'll hold you and everything will be alright."
No God. Everything is NOT alright. My little boy…he had seizures. Two of them in one day. Do you hear that, God? TWO in ONE DAY! And no one knows why! They want to diagnose my little boy with Epilepsy! Do you know what that means, God? Do you!?! He hurts….I hurt…Jesse hurts. We hurt. We love that little boy and we were so afraid we'd never hold him again. Do you hear me, God? Are you listening? Do you know what I've been through? Are you punishing us, God? Are you?
"Daddy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you? Come, let me hold you."
Do you not HEAR me, God??? They drew blood and drew tears…they kept him up all night, they gave him PHENOBARBATOL…a VERY dangerous drug, God! Then they gave him MORE drugs! Do you know how LITTLE sleep I've had? You don't get it, do you? My life is awful right now! Where are you, God??? Why won't you come help my family? WOE IS ME! Why have you left us, Lord? Why? My baby doesn't even want to touch me…he doesn't want his momma to hold him! He can't even stand up on his own because he is so drugged up! Don't you get it, God? If you can't help me, I don't need you!"Come, let me hold you. Let me rock you, let me bear this burden. This is not yours to suffer alone. Not yours, not Jesse's, but mine. You are not equipped to carry such a heavy load, child. Give it to me. Give it all to me. Let me comfort you, let me hold you."The thing about it is this: I have not outwardly blamed God. Inwardly, though, I have managed to get so caught up on how bad things are that I've failed to see God's work shining in our lives. Our son, the little boy that they said would be so off kilter for a minimum of two weeks while the drugs get in his system…he went to the beach this morning and flew his kite all by himself. He played and laughed and had a great time with us today. He threw a few violent fits, sure but he's already overcome the worst of it. We have more tests, but we have the Ultimate Physician in control of these tests. We have a thousand prayer warriors on our side and there is NOTHING the power of prayer can't conquer.
So where is God now? He's here, He never left us but the thing about it is, just like with Justin, we have to be willing to let him hold us, if even for just a little while. We don't go through these struggles alone. God never leaves us, He never forsakes us and what He calls us to do, He also equips us to do.
8:28 pm I didn't go to sleep right then, but I laid my little guy down and my Father, God carried me out of there with a new sense of peace. I was still and I knew that He was and is God and that He is in control...
Lessons
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:288:02 pm.
I was in Justin's room, sitting in the rocking chair, watching him wailing and kicking on the floor. It has been a long week. I'm exhausted, he's exhausted and his daddy is exhausted. The medication that our 19 month old little boy is on makes him have awful temper tantrums randomly throughout the day for no apparent reason. That is what we were in the middle of, right then and there…at 8:02 pm.
He was wailing into the floor, gasping, kicking, hitting himself, pulling his hair- likely thinking "Woe is me." I sat there patiently and told him over and over again, "Mommy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you to sleep? Come see me. I'll hold you and everything will be alright." I wouldn't touch him, though because I knew that would only send him into further hysterics. Outrage, even. It isn't that I can't handle the physical pain that he may potentially inflict on me. That isn't it at all. He could scratch me, bite me, kick me…it wouldn't even hold a candle to the hurt in my heart for him right at that very moment. My heart hurt for him because he was in a state of complete and utter despair. He wanted nothing but to lay there and sob about how miserable his little life is. I'll give this to him, too. His little life is pretty rough right now. My heart breaks for him several times a day, especially over the last week or so.
I told him again, barely above a whisper, "Mommy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you? Come, let me hold you."
After five minutes of utter hysteria, he looked up at me, sobbing. 8:07. He sat up and grabbed his blanket off his bed and starts walking toward me. He laid his head in my lap and just sobbed. Then he started hitting me. He was close enough at that point that I was able to pick him up and hold him. As soon as I pick him up, he arched his little back and screamed. He hit me several more times and I just held him tight. Not tight enough to hurt him, I could never hurt him. I held him tight enough that he knew that I'm not ever going to let him go. I whispered in his ear, "Mommy and daddy love you, little boy. We aren't going anywhere. We love you so much. "I told him over and over of our love for him and how special he is to us. He screamed still, trying to push me away. My heart broke into pieces. I just love this little boy with everything inside of me. If he hurts even a little bit, I feel like I've been stabbed in the side. The pain and the confusion that he has endured this last week has been more than even I can bear. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I sang to him softly. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound…that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see….T'was grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relieved, how precious did that grace appear the hour I first believed….Thro many dangers, toils and snares I have already come. His grace has lead me safe so far and His grace will lead me home…When we've been there……ten thousand years…..Silence. My little guy had given in. His precious little snores and his breathing in and out were all that was left to be heard.
There is nothing more beautiful than silence at a moment like this. 8:18.God wasn't finished with me, though. There was a lesson to be learned here. At that very moment, I was hurting. I was hurting because my little boy was hurting and because my hsuband was hurting. I was hurting and I was angry. Right in the middle of my misery and my agony, God spoke to me. I heard him say, "Daddy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you to sleep? Come see me. I'll hold you and everything will be alright."
No God. Everything is NOT alright. My little boy…he had seizures. Two of them in one day. Do you hear that, God? TWO in ONE DAY! And no one knows why! They want to diagnose my little boy with Epilepsy! Do you know what that means, God? Do you!?! He hurts….I hurt…Jesse hurts. We hurt. We love that little boy and we were so afraid we'd never hold him again. Do you hear me, God? Are you listening? Do you know what I've been through? Are you punishing us, God? Are you?
"Daddy's here, baby. I'm right here. Would you like for me to rock you? Come, let me hold you."
Do you not HEAR me, God??? They drew blood and drew tears…they kept him up all night, they gave him PHENOBARBATOL…a VERY dangerous drug, God! Then they gave him MORE drugs! Do you know how LITTLE sleep I've had? You don't get it, do you? My life is awful right now! Where are you, God??? Why won't you come help my family? WOE IS ME! Why have you left us, Lord? Why? My baby doesn't even want to touch me…he doesn't want his momma to hold him! He can't even stand up on his own because he is so drugged up! Don't you get it, God? If you can't help me, I don't need you!"Come, let me hold you. Let me rock you, let me bear this burden. This is not yours to suffer alone. Not yours, not Jesse's, but mine. You are not equipped to carry such a heavy load, child. Give it to me. Give it all to me. Let me comfort you, let me hold you."The thing about it is this: I have not outwardly blamed God. Inwardly, though, I have managed to get so caught up on how bad things are that I've failed to see God's work shining in our lives. Our son, the little boy that they said would be so off kilter for a minimum of two weeks while the drugs get in his system…he went to the beach this morning and flew his kite all by himself. He played and laughed and had a great time with us today. He threw a few violent fits, sure but he's already overcome the worst of it. We have more tests, but we have the Ultimate Physician in control of these tests. We have a thousand prayer warriors on our side and there is NOTHING the power of prayer can't conquer.
So where is God now? He's here, He never left us but the thing about it is, just like with Justin, we have to be willing to let him hold us, if even for just a little while. We don't go through these struggles alone. God never leaves us, He never forsakes us and what He calls us to do, He also equips us to do.
8:28 pm I didn't go to sleep right then, but I laid my little guy down and my Father, God carried me out of there with a new sense of peace. I was still and I knew that He was and is God and that He is in control...
Myspace Transfer- Another update
August 16, 2008 - Saturday
Another Update
Ok...they had us skip a day on the second medication that they gave him so today was a bit better. He woke up around 9 am in an awful mood. He actually kicked me in the face, hit me several times, bit me on the wrist. Hehas now made a regular thing out of headbutting me in the chest. Apparently this is all just the medication. I think a small part of it is that his whole little world has been turned upside down and he doesn't understand what's going on. Since he can't communicate that, he gets angry. At this point, disciplining him in any form does no good because he just doens't understand. You can look at his glassed over little eyes and tell it isn't him lashing out. That's what makes it so bad.Anyway, Jesse and I left for awhile today...went out and got some fresh air. My mom is flying home tomorrow...so it will be just me and Justin during the day starting Monday. I'm scared. Anyway, he took a 3 and 1/2, basically four hour nap then when we got home, he got in the shower with his daddy (we are still fighting croup on top of all this) to clear his little throat and he starting beating his head on the shower floor. I called his behavioral therapist (he was seeing her for the head banging anyway) and she said that a small percentage of children who take the Keppro have very violent dispositions with it. She also said that she noticed him having mini seizures before...but didn't feel it was her place to say anything. Duh? Yes, I want to know these things. Anyway, she said that when he gets out of control, there is going to be something that triggers him. The trick will be finding out what that something is. Whether it is a sight, a sound, or a noise. So we are in serach of that something. I've found out that most of his light up toys send him into hysterics.....absolute fits. She also said that when he loses it like he does to wrap him up in his blanket and restrain him gently.Anyway, he was up for a couple of horus after his nap. We took him to the beach and let him sit on the water's edge...and watch his daddy fly kites. He actually held his kite for a while and flew it and then he even got to play in the water. I think we've found his happy place! ;) We are going to be spending a LOT more time on the beach through all this, I guess. Our evening before he went to bed fairly well. He is a teeniny bit more surefooted...it is a small improvement at the very least.Thank you so much to all of you for the kind words and the prayers. We do know that God is in control. In all this, I know he has't abandoned us and we will not abandon our faith that he will pull us through this. It won't kill us, it will make us stronger. It could be better, but it could be SO much worse. Yesterday was bad, today was better and by the grace of God...tomorrow, we'll get to hear him laugh.
Another Update
Ok...they had us skip a day on the second medication that they gave him so today was a bit better. He woke up around 9 am in an awful mood. He actually kicked me in the face, hit me several times, bit me on the wrist. Hehas now made a regular thing out of headbutting me in the chest. Apparently this is all just the medication. I think a small part of it is that his whole little world has been turned upside down and he doesn't understand what's going on. Since he can't communicate that, he gets angry. At this point, disciplining him in any form does no good because he just doens't understand. You can look at his glassed over little eyes and tell it isn't him lashing out. That's what makes it so bad.Anyway, Jesse and I left for awhile today...went out and got some fresh air. My mom is flying home tomorrow...so it will be just me and Justin during the day starting Monday. I'm scared. Anyway, he took a 3 and 1/2, basically four hour nap then when we got home, he got in the shower with his daddy (we are still fighting croup on top of all this) to clear his little throat and he starting beating his head on the shower floor. I called his behavioral therapist (he was seeing her for the head banging anyway) and she said that a small percentage of children who take the Keppro have very violent dispositions with it. She also said that she noticed him having mini seizures before...but didn't feel it was her place to say anything. Duh? Yes, I want to know these things. Anyway, she said that when he gets out of control, there is going to be something that triggers him. The trick will be finding out what that something is. Whether it is a sight, a sound, or a noise. So we are in serach of that something. I've found out that most of his light up toys send him into hysterics.....absolute fits. She also said that when he loses it like he does to wrap him up in his blanket and restrain him gently.Anyway, he was up for a couple of horus after his nap. We took him to the beach and let him sit on the water's edge...and watch his daddy fly kites. He actually held his kite for a while and flew it and then he even got to play in the water. I think we've found his happy place! ;) We are going to be spending a LOT more time on the beach through all this, I guess. Our evening before he went to bed fairly well. He is a teeniny bit more surefooted...it is a small improvement at the very least.Thank you so much to all of you for the kind words and the prayers. We do know that God is in control. In all this, I know he has't abandoned us and we will not abandon our faith that he will pull us through this. It won't kill us, it will make us stronger. It could be better, but it could be SO much worse. Yesterday was bad, today was better and by the grace of God...tomorrow, we'll get to hear him laugh.
Myspace Transfer- Update
August 15, 2008 - Friday
Update
So Justin was really sick this weekend. He had a really bad case of croup...we were in the ER all night Sunday night because he was hallucinating and having a really, really hard time breathing. Jesse and I got little to no sleep this weekend.He was finally feeling better Tuesday. He ate breakfast, ate lunch and then laid down for a nap. I thought I would go lay down, too because let's face it, I'm utterly exhausted (likely even an understatement). I was walking into the bedroom and I heard him moaning. I went in there and he was face down on his bed, flailing around. I picked him up and his face was solid white and lips were blue. He was flopping aroundin my arms, his jaw clenched. My first thought was that he choked on something so I pried his jaw open and did a scoop at the back of his mouth. His jaw clamped back down so hard that it drew blood. There was nothing in his throat so I hurried up and called 911. The first dispatcher I reached was from a neighboring town. Anyway, J didn't breathe at all the whole time I talked to the first operator. I then got transferred to the right dispatcher. He came to momentarily while I talked to her. His eyes kept rolling back and he was going in and out of conscienceness. It was awful. Absolutely horrible. They got the ambulance en route...then the guys couldn't find our condo. So I stood out in the hallway and waved them down. They checked all his vitals (literally like, 9 guys...they were so great!) and told me that he needed to go get checked out either via ambulance or car and that it was up to me. I told them he had a pediatrician appointment @ 4:30 and they suggested I call his doctor and see about moving it up. So I called his doctor and they told me to bring him on in. They told me that if, at anytime en route to his office, I needed to stop at the ER to do so.So I took him in and pediatrician confirmed that, yes it was a seizure...but they didn't know why. We went in for a CT scan and that came back fine. He mentioned doing an EEG but said it was up to us. He stressed to us that 5% of children have at least one seizure in their lives and 60% of that 5% never have another one again so he wasn't all that worried about the potential of another one.The medics said something about a febral seizure but J rarely, if ever runs fever. His temp when they came to the house was 95.5 and even this weekend when he was hallucinating, he didn't have fever. He had another seizure at 9 that night. We were in the ER from around 9:15 until 5:15 Wednesday morning. They are keeping him on phenobarbatol. The meds knock him out cold. They are a seizure medicine but they also serve as a sedative for infants/toddlers going into surgery, etc. So basically they are keeping my son unconscious until they can figure things out! I just...it is awful. Absolutely awful. They did a whole bunch of bloodwork at the to make sure it wasn't anything to do with the croup or the meds/steroids they had him on. They ruled all of that out which scares me even more. The ER doctor got on the phone with the pediatric neurologist and she said that she needed to see him ASAP, this week. We actually had our appointment this morning. She gave him a preliminary diagnosis of epilepsy. She wants to go ahead and do an MRI and an EEG, more bloodwork and potentially a few other tests depending on how that goes. She has also referred him to a pediatric cardiologist because she wants to rule out early that it has anything to do with his heart. She said that epilepsy was typically diagnosed between 2-15 yoa. J is only a year and a half so they are really stumped on this. She is continuing him on the phenobarb and started him on another seizure medication. Basically, they are keeping him drugged up to where he is either sleeping or so dizzy he can barely even SIT up on his own, standing is out of the question.These meds, like I said, make him extremely dizzy. He's tired of being held, he doesn't understand why he can't get up and play like he normally does. He's just...he's so upset. He's crying non stop, banging his head, kicking, hitting. He's just so confused and our stress levels are way through the roof. Apparently the extreme dizziness can last up to three weeks while the meds work their way into his system. He will be on the second medication for two years (unless it is something with his heart). If, after two years he has no seizures at all, they will take him off the medication and see how he does.Anyway, as most of you know...we are five states away from our families. My mom flew in for a couple of days, but she has to go back to work on Monday, so she is flying out on Saturday. Justin can't do anything AT ALL for himself. He can't even sit up for himself at this point. He is wearing winter clothes because he stays so cold and his little lips are blue, he is stumbling all over everything...and I'm not used to this. I'm so afraid that this will break me. Please pray for our little family. Pray for us to get through this. I know it could be worse....but I'm afraid it could be a lot better, too.
Update
So Justin was really sick this weekend. He had a really bad case of croup...we were in the ER all night Sunday night because he was hallucinating and having a really, really hard time breathing. Jesse and I got little to no sleep this weekend.He was finally feeling better Tuesday. He ate breakfast, ate lunch and then laid down for a nap. I thought I would go lay down, too because let's face it, I'm utterly exhausted (likely even an understatement). I was walking into the bedroom and I heard him moaning. I went in there and he was face down on his bed, flailing around. I picked him up and his face was solid white and lips were blue. He was flopping aroundin my arms, his jaw clenched. My first thought was that he choked on something so I pried his jaw open and did a scoop at the back of his mouth. His jaw clamped back down so hard that it drew blood. There was nothing in his throat so I hurried up and called 911. The first dispatcher I reached was from a neighboring town. Anyway, J didn't breathe at all the whole time I talked to the first operator. I then got transferred to the right dispatcher. He came to momentarily while I talked to her. His eyes kept rolling back and he was going in and out of conscienceness. It was awful. Absolutely horrible. They got the ambulance en route...then the guys couldn't find our condo. So I stood out in the hallway and waved them down. They checked all his vitals (literally like, 9 guys...they were so great!) and told me that he needed to go get checked out either via ambulance or car and that it was up to me. I told them he had a pediatrician appointment @ 4:30 and they suggested I call his doctor and see about moving it up. So I called his doctor and they told me to bring him on in. They told me that if, at anytime en route to his office, I needed to stop at the ER to do so.So I took him in and pediatrician confirmed that, yes it was a seizure...but they didn't know why. We went in for a CT scan and that came back fine. He mentioned doing an EEG but said it was up to us. He stressed to us that 5% of children have at least one seizure in their lives and 60% of that 5% never have another one again so he wasn't all that worried about the potential of another one.The medics said something about a febral seizure but J rarely, if ever runs fever. His temp when they came to the house was 95.5 and even this weekend when he was hallucinating, he didn't have fever. He had another seizure at 9 that night. We were in the ER from around 9:15 until 5:15 Wednesday morning. They are keeping him on phenobarbatol. The meds knock him out cold. They are a seizure medicine but they also serve as a sedative for infants/toddlers going into surgery, etc. So basically they are keeping my son unconscious until they can figure things out! I just...it is awful. Absolutely awful. They did a whole bunch of bloodwork at the to make sure it wasn't anything to do with the croup or the meds/steroids they had him on. They ruled all of that out which scares me even more. The ER doctor got on the phone with the pediatric neurologist and she said that she needed to see him ASAP, this week. We actually had our appointment this morning. She gave him a preliminary diagnosis of epilepsy. She wants to go ahead and do an MRI and an EEG, more bloodwork and potentially a few other tests depending on how that goes. She has also referred him to a pediatric cardiologist because she wants to rule out early that it has anything to do with his heart. She said that epilepsy was typically diagnosed between 2-15 yoa. J is only a year and a half so they are really stumped on this. She is continuing him on the phenobarb and started him on another seizure medication. Basically, they are keeping him drugged up to where he is either sleeping or so dizzy he can barely even SIT up on his own, standing is out of the question.These meds, like I said, make him extremely dizzy. He's tired of being held, he doesn't understand why he can't get up and play like he normally does. He's just...he's so upset. He's crying non stop, banging his head, kicking, hitting. He's just so confused and our stress levels are way through the roof. Apparently the extreme dizziness can last up to three weeks while the meds work their way into his system. He will be on the second medication for two years (unless it is something with his heart). If, after two years he has no seizures at all, they will take him off the medication and see how he does.Anyway, as most of you know...we are five states away from our families. My mom flew in for a couple of days, but she has to go back to work on Monday, so she is flying out on Saturday. Justin can't do anything AT ALL for himself. He can't even sit up for himself at this point. He is wearing winter clothes because he stays so cold and his little lips are blue, he is stumbling all over everything...and I'm not used to this. I'm so afraid that this will break me. Please pray for our little family. Pray for us to get through this. I know it could be worse....but I'm afraid it could be a lot better, too.
Transfer from Myspace- The Late Night Light Show
October 7, 2007 @ 3:04 a.m.
"Inspire me, Child, to stretch my world as you stretch yours."
-Patricia H. Sprinkle
"Not again."
That is the exact thought that went through my mind as I heard the fussing coming from the monitor. My son made habit of getting up every hour and a half to two hours every single night since we brought him home from the hospital. He made a few exceptions every once in a while, but he never strayed too far from his routine. I rolled over and looked at the clock. 1:45…in the morning. The only problem I have with this is that he is 9 months old and is supposed to be "out of this stage." I was so exhausted. I nudged my husband, hoping…praying that he would get up and tend to the baby.
Nothing. Ok, something. He grunted at me.
I stalled for a couple more seconds, hoping that maybe he would find his bottle and soothe himself back to sleep. No such luck. I rolled out of bed, frustrated and exhausted. My goal was to get him back to sleep as fast as physically possible so that I could do the same. As I opened the door to his bedroom, I gasped. Then I heaved a sigh of frustration. Then I laughed. My son was standing, holding onto the side of his crib, jumping up and down. The smile on his face was so big that his two new teeth were shining so bright that they lit up the dark room. He was so excited to see me.
Still a bit frustrated at the fact that he was so awake at nearly two in the morning, I walked over to his crib and laid him down. I handed him his bottle and turned to leave the room. Before I could reach for the doorknob, he was back to standing at the edge of his crib. He let out a little, "aaauh" as if to alert me to the fact that he wasn't quite finished with me, like "where you going, mom?" With my frustration reaching its peak, I walked back over and picked him up. He laid his head on my shoulder and smiled. I turned on his mobile and carried him to the rocking chair. I sat him on my lap and we rocked in silence, watching the images of fish and stars radiate from the mobile as it sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." So enthralled with this late night light show with mommy, my son was bouncing up and down in my lap, clapping excitedly. At this point, all the exhaustion and frustrations went out the window. I was so wrapped up in him. He saw something so simple as something so exciting. We watched the mobile and I sang the song to him as it played. He sang along with me in his own beautiful way, clapping all the while.
All of the sudden, the mobile stopped. But then, as if by magic (or perhaps thanks to my handy-dandy mobile remote), the mobile started up again, igniting a round of cheers from my infant. I knew he was sleepy because he was rubbing his eyes like crazy while he watched these strange shapes dance across his bedroom. I didn't know the song that played when the mobile started back up, so I sang to him "Amazing Grace." Amazing Grace…how sweet the sound. I once was lost but now I'm found. Found. I found myself in this beautiful little boy sprawled out on his mommy's lap. This baby boy who found comfort and security in mommy's lap.
-Patricia H. Sprinkle
"Not again."
That is the exact thought that went through my mind as I heard the fussing coming from the monitor. My son made habit of getting up every hour and a half to two hours every single night since we brought him home from the hospital. He made a few exceptions every once in a while, but he never strayed too far from his routine. I rolled over and looked at the clock. 1:45…in the morning. The only problem I have with this is that he is 9 months old and is supposed to be "out of this stage." I was so exhausted. I nudged my husband, hoping…praying that he would get up and tend to the baby.
Nothing. Ok, something. He grunted at me.
I stalled for a couple more seconds, hoping that maybe he would find his bottle and soothe himself back to sleep. No such luck. I rolled out of bed, frustrated and exhausted. My goal was to get him back to sleep as fast as physically possible so that I could do the same. As I opened the door to his bedroom, I gasped. Then I heaved a sigh of frustration. Then I laughed. My son was standing, holding onto the side of his crib, jumping up and down. The smile on his face was so big that his two new teeth were shining so bright that they lit up the dark room. He was so excited to see me.
Still a bit frustrated at the fact that he was so awake at nearly two in the morning, I walked over to his crib and laid him down. I handed him his bottle and turned to leave the room. Before I could reach for the doorknob, he was back to standing at the edge of his crib. He let out a little, "aaauh" as if to alert me to the fact that he wasn't quite finished with me, like "where you going, mom?" With my frustration reaching its peak, I walked back over and picked him up. He laid his head on my shoulder and smiled. I turned on his mobile and carried him to the rocking chair. I sat him on my lap and we rocked in silence, watching the images of fish and stars radiate from the mobile as it sang "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." So enthralled with this late night light show with mommy, my son was bouncing up and down in my lap, clapping excitedly. At this point, all the exhaustion and frustrations went out the window. I was so wrapped up in him. He saw something so simple as something so exciting. We watched the mobile and I sang the song to him as it played. He sang along with me in his own beautiful way, clapping all the while.
All of the sudden, the mobile stopped. But then, as if by magic (or perhaps thanks to my handy-dandy mobile remote), the mobile started up again, igniting a round of cheers from my infant. I knew he was sleepy because he was rubbing his eyes like crazy while he watched these strange shapes dance across his bedroom. I didn't know the song that played when the mobile started back up, so I sang to him "Amazing Grace." Amazing Grace…how sweet the sound. I once was lost but now I'm found. Found. I found myself in this beautiful little boy sprawled out on his mommy's lap. This baby boy who found comfort and security in mommy's lap.
With God's help, my husband and I created the most beautiful little boy in the entire world. God trusted us with this precious life, to teach him and to guide him. Funny, though, how I find myself being taught by him. At that very moment, he was teaching me to appreciate even the smallest things. He was teaching me to, for once in my crazy, hectic life to have no regard for time and focus on the moment. So I did. Not only did I focus on the moment, I bathed in it. I soaked in it. I sang to him, I dozed off with him. I wrapped myself up in his skin against my skin, his heart beating in time with mine.
Sometime during second or third round of "Amazing Grace," I dozed off. I looked down and saw that my son was asleep. I laid him down and covered him up. I walked, no, floated out of his bedroom and into my own. I was on cloud nine. I felt so refreshed. 2:38. Really? It didn't seem like near that long. Maybe I was sleepier than I thought I was. No. It said 2:38. We slept for five hours before that monitor woke me up again. I woke up that morning feeling better than I've felt in a long time, closer to my son than ever…and more like a mommy than when I went to bed last night. He taught me something, something I hope to never forget. Something a week from now will probably be a distant memory. I don't worry, though. I know that if I forget the valuable lesson he taught me last night, he will beckon me to his room and I will find him standing, waiting for me.
It is 10 p.m. He just woke up, like clockwork….two hours after going to bed. After tending to him, I'm going to bed. I want to be sure that I am well rested so that I can enjoy our next late night light show.
Sometime during second or third round of "Amazing Grace," I dozed off. I looked down and saw that my son was asleep. I laid him down and covered him up. I walked, no, floated out of his bedroom and into my own. I was on cloud nine. I felt so refreshed. 2:38. Really? It didn't seem like near that long. Maybe I was sleepier than I thought I was. No. It said 2:38. We slept for five hours before that monitor woke me up again. I woke up that morning feeling better than I've felt in a long time, closer to my son than ever…and more like a mommy than when I went to bed last night. He taught me something, something I hope to never forget. Something a week from now will probably be a distant memory. I don't worry, though. I know that if I forget the valuable lesson he taught me last night, he will beckon me to his room and I will find him standing, waiting for me.
It is 10 p.m. He just woke up, like clockwork….two hours after going to bed. After tending to him, I'm going to bed. I want to be sure that I am well rested so that I can enjoy our next late night light show.
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